Swing Hallelujah!

They’d drunkenly christened the van ‘The Sultana of Swing’ on their first night. Since then, they’d made overnight stops whenever they needed a break from each other, and/or fancied a taste of the local delicacy.


After breaking down a few miles back they were jump started by a boy racer, whom Kerri then thanked in her own ‘special way’.



‘Excellent, she’s warming up’, thought Brian as he revved up the van. Kerri put on their favourite Pearl Jam CD, lit a cigarette and crossed her stilettoed feet on the dashboard.


The holiday had been amazing so far, but tonight was the piece de resistance: Tonight was different. Tonight had been in the diary since they first holidayed in the UK last August…..




Ray had been coming to this church for a few months now. Intrigued by the openness of the congregation and how much they embraced the Holy Spirit, he was also besotted with the vicar’s daughter; Amanda. He strained his ears to focus on the closing part of the sermon, then she was back on stage with her pigtails and rainbow-strapped guitar. All noise evaporated into the sound of her soothing voice and he breathed a sigh of relief. Desperate to ask her out, he just didn’t know how; she was so pure, so untouched, he didn’t know where to start.


Amanda could feel Ray’s gaze on her. Her eyes were closed in worship but she could feel it all right. A sudden wave of longing gripped her body. She wanted so much to open her eyes but couldn’t: The rest of the congregation were looking at her, as they followed her lead on the chorus: ‘Jee-ee-sus’. ‘Jee-ee-sus’, ‘Jee… This song was not one of her favourites; it went on and on repeatedly until she no longer felt she was speaking English. If she was lucky an elder would step in and start speaking in tongues, and she could take a step back. ‘Here he comes now…’ she thought thankfully, as he took the mike and began ‘Ashkola bashka, fermen tola menge…’


The van rolled up outside the school hall.



‘I sure hope it’s still on after all this’ said Kerri, as she jumped down from the passenger seat. ‘We should have double checked before…’ she stopped – she could hear music! Suddenly, they both felt jittery with anticipation. She was on heat tonight; Brian could feel it. Kerri had been longing to see Gerald and Sue again: they’d given her something different last time.



As they entered, Brian immediately clocked an attractive young girl playing a guitar at the front of the room alongside a drunk guy singing some sort of karaoke. There was a group of people at the front hugging each other. Some had their hands in the air and were speaking in what sounded like a foreign language.



‘I’ll have what they’re having!’ sniggered Brian.


‘Shhhh’, Kerri nudged him as she stared open-eyed at the picture before her. She couldn’t see any alcohol; that didn’t bother her, she preferred pills anyway.



Everyone was fully clothed. They were both relieved that, despite their break down, they hadn’t missed any of the real fun.


The music was pretty chilled and mainly instrumental, not like last year’s pop/rock set-up. Kerri and Brian, keen to strut their stuff, headed towards the under-populated dance floor at the front and were immediately embraced by a man dressed as a vicar.


‘Hallelujah, praise the Lord!’


They looked at each other excitedly. They loved role-plays. They’d fit in just fine here.



They were just edging themselves forwards to the group hug that was going on by the stage, when Kerri noticed Gerald and Sue sitting in a row of chairs; their eyes closed and their heads in their hands. ‘They must be coming up’ thought Kerri, as she headed towards them.


Meanwhile, Brain had managed to infiltrate the group hug on the dance floor and was now embedded in its midst. At the centre of the huddle, he now realised, was a heavily pregnant lady whom they all seemed to be touching. Not really his scene, so he started throwing some moves around the dance floor.




Gerald and Sue stirred as they heard the clonk clonk of Kerri’s heels. They looked up, seeing the red patent stilettos, then the fishnets and finally the black velvet cocktail dress. The figure and face they both knew intimately. Sue gasped. Then gasped again as she clocked a very striking Brian at the font of the room with an arm around each of the elders.


‘Kerri…’ began Gerald in a slight whisper, not quite believing his eyes. ‘What a surprise!’ The people sitting around them looked up.


‘Erm….are… are… Are you coming to the group meeting afterwards?’


Sue couldn’t speak. She knew exactly why they were here. Gerald must have missed them off the cancellation email. They’d be over especially.


Sue’s swinging days were well behind here now, since she’d come to the Lord last Christmas. She was due to marry Gerald, as part of this congregation, in two weeks time.


All that could be in jeopardy now. She looked in disbelief at the elders, who had politely managed to disengage themselves from Brian’s clutches. Still in their good books – it was thanks to her that this meeting was happening; by offering the hall she’d booked out for her cancelled ‘Woman’s Guild Beetle Drive’ (wink, wink). It was all working out so well.


She grimaced at Gerald, looking on in astonishment as he asked them to the group meeting. What was he thinking?


Gerald shrugged his shoulders. It was the only thing he could think of saying. Secretly, he was rather amused by the Americans’ entrance. A reminder of his past life which still held a fond place in his heart… he wasn’t really into this Jesus thing, but did find this church had a bit of a buzz compared to most.


Kerri liked the sound of a group session. She noted that Gerald and Sue were dressed a lot more conservatively than when she’d last seen them. In fact, when she had last seen them, they hadn’t been dressed at all…She was about to say as much, when the man dressed as a vicar came to the front with a mike.


‘Thank you, all of you, for coming. It’s great to see so much love in this room. If you’d like to continue reveling in this love together, please stay for the group session, during which we’ll serve tea.’




His attention temporarily drawn from Amanda; Ray was intrigued by the two strangers who’d just appeared. They seemed to be friends of Gerald and Sue, but couldn’t be more different. Sue clearly wasn’t pleased to see them, and the way the man had dived straight in at the front when the church elders were laying hands on expectant Melissa, was unusual to say the least. Not to mention his strange hip gyrations and pouting lips as he looked out over the congregation. Still, Ray had seen some bizarre goings on since he had joined this church – they, alongside Amanda, were what brought him back week after week.


He was in two minds as to whether or not to stay for the group prayer meeting but knew Amanda would probably join them once she’d finished serving the tea, and she was looking so undeniably sweet tonight….Plus, he thought he might have just noticed her catch his eye earlier and blush. Could he finally be getting somewhere?




To Kerri and Brian’s dismay, the music stopped and most of the crowd headed to the cloakrooms until there were only nine of them left in the hall; Kerri, Brian, Sue, Gerald, Amanda, Ray, the two elders and the vicar. Amanda went into the kitchen. The vicar encouraged them to move their chairs into a circle. Sue positioned herself between the two elders and the vicar, and as far away from Kerri as possible. Gerald remained alongside Kerri and a slightly deflated Brian came and joined them. Ray sat between Brian and the vicar, leaving a slight gap between him and Brian, for Amanda when she came back.


The vicar suggested they begin by introducing themselves and give a short background as to what had brought them there.


He beckoned at Brian to go first. Brian, still slightly confused as to what was going on with the pregnant lady at the front and why the atmosphere had suddenly died, started shakily:


‘Erm…I love a good party, so here I am.’


‘Amen’ voiced the elders.


‘Are they’all getting into their costumes? The buzz sure has died.’


Gerald snorted. This was the best laugh he’d had in ages.


‘No mate – they’ve gone home, it must have been the sight of your hot pants!’


The group laughed and Brian looked slightly confused, his attention momentarily drawn to how differently he and Kerri were dressed compared to the rest of the group.


‘We’re here because we love to worship with you guys’ cut in Sue, glaring at Gerald.


Gerald knew he wasn’t to say anything.


Kerri couldn’t wait to speak and blurted out ‘We’ve cum’ she giggled, but only Brian joined in with a hearty laugh.


Brushing aside any awkwardness, she continued coyly:


‘Because last time I was here, Gerald and Sue touched me in the most intimate places. And I felt like I’ve never felt before – or since for that matter. I’ve been counting the days until I could come again.’ She giggled nervously.


‘Oh…..I could do with something to get me in the mood, if you know what I mean?’ She looked expectantly at the group.


Kerri saw Sue’s face redden: She must want something too.


‘Amen’ said the elders again; ‘We’d all like to touch you in that way tonight, if we can’ added the vicar.


Kerri felt her crotch tingle at the thought of it. She loved this foreplay!


Ray began just as Amanda came back to the circle, handing out tea to everyone. ‘I’m here because I feel like I’m missing something in my life, I mean, I love life and God but I feel incomplete …’ He looked in Amanda’s direction.


Amanda’s leg brushed against Ray’s as she pulled up a seat and sat down:


‘I’m here to learn more about worship and how to deepen my relationship with others.’


She noticed the unusual couple who’d made a dramatic entrance sitting at her other side. They dressed far too young for their age but looked like fun. ‘They must be part of the new wave’, she thought.


‘The tea’s very hot’ she warned them, as they gulped it down manically.


Winking at Kerri, the vicar suggested that ‘to get in the mood’ they all close their eyes and hold hands to deliberate on today’s session. They all complied, and sat in silence bar the occasional squeaking of Brian’s rubber hot pants, as he struggled to find a comfortable spot on his wooden chair. Kerri took this as a cue to begin and, feeling a bit frisky after what she assumed to be mushroom tea, she reached in between Gerald’s legs.


‘Ahh…thank you God’ Gerald called out in a loud voice.


A chorus of amens came from the elders.


Brian, sensing what was going on to his left, and also feeling he might be quite up on his mushroom tea, slipped his left hand down the back of Kerri’s tights and stretched his right arm round Amanda’s neck to begin teasing her right nipple.


‘Ray…’ she gasped faintly, not quite believing it was happening;’ He must like me too!’


Ray placed his hand on Amanda’s knee to ensure she was OK. Feeling aroused by the tingling sensation spreading from her breast over the rest of her body, Amanda found herself pushing a welcoming Ray’s hand further up her skirt.


‘Jesus’ blurted Ray. This was the best meeting so far.


One of the elders began to pray out loud while the chorus of gasps and yeses continued sporadically.


‘Thank you for bringing us together this evening.’


‘Yes Lord!’ exclaimed Gerald.


Sue sensed something was up. It was totally unlike Gerald to get so into things. She opened her eyes. Not believing what she could see opposite her – all five of them engaged in their various ‘acts of love’ – shutting her eyes before opening them again. She took a sharp intake of breath. It was for real!


How could she save face now?


Then she surprised herself by the sound of her own, very stern, voice:


‘Let us, with our eyes still closed, stop for a moment and focus on why we are here.’


She paused, not sure what she was going to say next. ‘Great things come to those who wait.’ She opened one eye as Kerri and Brian’s hands came back to their laps, in anticipation of the next stage.


‘Amen, Hallelua, Praise the Lord!’ chanted an elder veraciously.


Amanda and Ray were by now really into each other and not listening. Sue raised her voice even louder, internally praying that the vicar and elders would not notice anything amiss.


‘Let us all concentrate by squeezing our eyes closed’ her voice boomed across the hall ‘squeeze, squeeze, squeeze….when we do open them, not just yet – I’ll tell you when – we’ll see the world like we’ve never seen it before and appreciate all its wonders as if we are seeing them for the first time.’


Still they continued; she hurried on: ‘Let us see everything and everyone around us intensely. Let us miss nothing’. Finally Ray’s ears pricked up. He stopped what he was doing and Amanda pulled her skirt down. Sue closed her eyes again, and counted aloud as they all joined in, each voice sounding more liberated than before: ‘Three…...two…...one…... and open.’


The vicar noted how different people looked now he had opened his eyes. It was as if he was seeing them properly for the first time: the Americans reminded him of panting dogs, ready for their dinner; he was touched by their enthusiasm. Ray and Amanda were smiling blissfully – how cute his daughter looked with her rosy cheeks and disheveled hair. Sue was glowing as she looked in amazement at her fiancé: what a lovely couple.


‘Amen’, said the vicar. ‘Thank you, Sue. This has been a wonderful evening and I hope you all have a safe journey home.’


‘What…but we’ve only just started!’ exclaimed Brian, as the others stood up and started piling up their chairs.


‘Afraid that’s it,’ laughed the vicar, beckoning for Brain and Kerri’s chairs, ‘we only have the hall until 9pm.’


‘Really? No after party?’


The vicar laughed and shook his head. ‘It’s time to lock up.’ He was surprised to see his daughter and Ray leave the hall arm in arm.


‘I think we’ll have to find another country to holiday in next year Brian’ snapped Kerri standing up abruptly as her chair screeched backwards across the hall. She’d had enough; she felt completely sober and was beginning to think there was nothing in the tea after all. She looked across at Sue and Gerald, who were edging out the door along with the elders.


‘This place ain’t what it used to be.’

Posted 04:12 PM on Fri Dec 05 2008

By Wee Newt

1882 views, 2 comments

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